new beginnings…part 2

Wow. Yes, it’s been over a year since I’ve written a blogpost. Did I think about how I needed to write a new blogpost every day since July of last year? Yes. You’re probably like girl where have you been. In short, God obviously sees me as his strongest solider because he gave me…THEEEEEEE toughest battles I’ve literally ever faced in my life lol. If you all remember in my last post “new beginnings” posted in July 2021, I was so excited about my new chapter of life. I recently graduated college, moved to a new city, and began my career. I spoke about the importance of staying steadfast and trusting in God even more in the midst of the blessings I prayed for. Little did I know how much that would mean during the new beginning.

During the past year a few things occurred. I studied for and received my CE for teaching in New Jersey, started and left grad school and started and ended my teaching career. Within the span of 8 months, I unexpectedly lost my uncle, one of my high school best friends passed away unexpectedly, my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer and passed away before I got to say see you later, and my mom had open heart surgery. Yeah. TOUGHEST BATTLES. After, I moved back home to help my mom recover and to recenter myself, moved to a new city and started a new job.

I don’t list all these things for condolences and sympathy, but to literally shine light on LITTLE DID I KNOW how important it would be to remain steadfast in God’s word. (the Holy Spirit comes through every single time) And of course you’re like duh Naz, we should always remain steadfast. Yes, you’re absolutely correct! However, this was truly the hardest season I have faced in my life and I was shell shocked. Looking back on the past year I was so caught up in the beauty of a new beginning, that I 1 didn’t remain grounded in God’s word and I 2 just couldn’t accept the fact that things weren’t picture perfect. I felt like, well God YOU brought me here, YOU gave me these blessings. Why does it feel so hard? And why would you give me all these battles during a time that’s supposed to be beautiful? You know I LOVE new beginnings, why would this one be so challenging?

This new beginning/season taught me so many lessons. Here are a few.

I learned that it’s okay to quit. I want to talk about the feeling of failure. Like I said, I started and left grad school. I began a masters program while also teaching full time. I just couldn’t do it. I was literally failing my classes. Mind you, I graduated summa cum laude from undergrad. Failing has never been in my book. I was embarrassed, mad at myself, and just felt hopeless. I found myself in my dean’s office hours holding back tears explaining why I wasn’t turning in assignments, etc. I had to come to terms with the fact that I can’t do everything. And that’s okay! Prior to this, one thing about me, whatever I say I will do, I do it! I literally felt like a quitter having to stop something. Having to give up. What would my family and friends think? What do I think of myself? It took A LOT of positive self talk to turn the “you’re a failure”, “you’re letting yourself and everyone else counting on you down”, “you gave up on yourself”, “you quit” into “you showed up for yourself”, “you did what’s best for you”, “everything happens for a reason”. Because let’s be real. I sent out ALL those graduation announcements, wrote down and manifested in my journal, posted on social media, studied for months for the praxis, told everyone and myself that I am attending grad school and teaching full time. How could I give up because I couldn’t maintain? Because I couldn’t handle a few more things on my plate?

I just say all that to say it’s okay to stop something when it’s only hurting you. Actually we should! I got caught up in the “I have to prove to everyone and myself that I can do what I said”. Whole time, God was literally showing me I couldn’t and I needed to let it go. In this season, I’ve learned to genuinely do things for myself and not for other people’s approval or because “ I started so I have to finish”. I learned to listen and trust. I had to come to terms with the fact that everyone won’t understand. And my life isn’t for everyone to understand. So many people looked at me strange when I left my grad program after a few months and left teaching after a year. But, I don’t have to prove myself or my decisions to anyone. God’s plan will always reign supreme.

I learned that God will literally interrupt your whole life to speak to you. Battle after battle I always jokingly said, God I got the lesson! I understand! But, looking back, I’m happy to say I am beginning to become thankful for the hardships. (Emphasis on “beginning to become thankful” because part of me is still like…God you couldn’t teach these lessons ANY other way???) I wouldn’t love myself as much. Be as proud of myself. I wouldn’t be as close to my family and friends. I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t have the routines I have now. Being real, even writing this blog has forced me to stop and think how much I’ve grown since the event I thought would end me. God truly interrupted my whole life, plan, new season just to speak to me. (The problem also is that I was so focused on my plan. But we’ll unpack that in another blog lol)

I learned how important it is to lean on others. Honestly, I don’t think I’d be here if not for my boyfriend and sisters in Jersey/NY. This past year was HARD! A lot of nights, I would literally sit in the shower and just cry because God why?! Literally WHY?! Having people in close proximity that have nothing but love for you is indescribable. When my world was quite literally crashing and burning every single day, I knew I could call on them in a second. Hanging out with them on the weekend would bring me all the serotonin I needed to teach my kids on Monday. Community is so so important. During the good times and bad. So thank y’all <3

I learned how to be intentional with my spiritual walk. This past summer while praying and fasting, once God answered my prayers, I didn’t stop praying and fasting. Something I’ve been doing for a few months now to be intentional is listening to Gospel music. I only listen to secular music when I’m out, occasionally in the gym, I’ll listen when a new album drops or when I’m with other people. I’ve definitely noticed a difference in the way I speak to myself and I handle situations better than my old self would. I also pray in the shower. Half of the time I’m recapping my day or situations anyway, so I spend my shower time just having a conversation with God.

I learned to show up for myself. Something I’ve implemented recently is morning walks. My new job is 100% work from home. I am incredibly thankful for this flexibility! So, to ensure I get outside at least once a day, I go on morning walks. I notice a difference in my mood and productivity throughout the day. It’s another way to show up for myself.

Now, I won’t sit here and act like everything is all peachy. I am still healing, still grieving. Changing my mindset from “I have to start over because I couldn’t manage”, “I have to start from scratch” to “I get to start over”, “this is an exciting new season”, “I am starting from experience”. As I walk into my new beginning, it is requiring a lot out of me. But, this time I’m facing it with God’s word and showing up for myself daily. I’m not starting from scratch, I’m starting from experience. I’m incredibly thankful for the Holy Spirit allowing me to write back in July 2021, “Now, I know the importance of staying steadfast and trusting in God even more while he blesses me and when I am in the midst of the blessing I prayed for.” God only knew what was to come and looking back a year later, I TRULY understand the importance of staying steadfast. I know the anniversaries of a few experiences are coming up. I can’t even lie… I’m a little afraid lol. However, I vow to lean on my community, be consistent and intentional with my spiritual walk and show up for myself every single day. Thanks for reading! <3